Who Heals The Healer?
by Marianne H. Stillie
Summary: Sometimes a relationship isn't really over.


Title: Who Heals The Healer?

Author: Marianne H. Stillie

Categories: Episode Tag for Phantoms, Angst

Rating: PG

Pairing: Carson Beckett & Laura Cadman

Season: Season 3

Summary: Sometimes a relationship isn't really over.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places for Stargate Atlantis are the property of MGM Worldwide Television Distribution, Sony Pictures Television and Acme Shark Cooper/Wright Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission.

Copyright (c) 2006 Marianne H. Stillie

XxXx

Who Heals the Healer?

I hover just outside the Daedalus infirmary. For a well-trained Marine officer, my knees are knocking quite nicely in abject terror. I wasn't expecting to see Carson like this.

My carefully planned strategy was to get into Atlantis, pack my stuff and spend the next two weeks hiding out on board the ship until the scheduled return trip to Earth. So much for best laid plans.

A technicolor replay of the very polite and civilized way we'd said goodbye two months ago is pounding through my brain cells like a John Philip Sousa march. Although the dirge notes of Taps would be more appropriate. I'd been summoned home because my Dad had suffered a heart attack. As scared as I was that I might lose him, I was grateful for the excuse to get a galaxy and a half away from what had turned into a painfully faltering relationship.

I remind myself that I don't _have_ to be standing here. But as soon as I'd heard about the rescue mission to M1B129 and who the Atlantis personnel were who needed rescuing, I was hooked.

'_Leave now!_' I scream in my head but it's too late.

Ronon Dex breezes by me, his long stride, as he exits the infirmary, too quick for my emotion-addled brain. The heavy timbre of his voice vibrates in the air, "Welcome back, Lt. Cadman."

I see Carson's head whip up from his place beside Lt. Kagan's bed. His professional look doesn't change but the delighted surprise in his bright blue eyes calms my jitters. He says a few words to his patient then calmly crosses the room toward me.

"Laura," he says softly, his breath almost a sigh.

A half smile struggles out as I try to control the pounding in my chest. "Hi, Carson."

"I didn't know you were coming back. I guess this means your Dad is well?"

"He's recovering but it's going to be a long convalescence. I'm only here to get my things. I've been reassigned close to home."

"Oh," he answers in a pale, small voice.

"I heard you had a rough time. A Wraith device that caused some serious casualties."

"Yes. Rodney, Teyla and Ronon are doing quite well." He looks over to the bed where a peacefully sleeping Dr. McKay is closely swaddled in blankets then at Colonel Sheppard who is talking quietly to Teyla in the next bed. "It was way too close with Lt. Kagan, but I'm confident now he'll recover fully."

I hear a familiar tone in his voice, the one I'd come to know quite well during the months we were dating. "How are _you_?"

Carson just stares. A tentative smile sparks then disappears. "I'll be fine as soon as we're back home."

I return my own stare, the words I want to say simply fading into what once was. He blinks back and I know he feels the same.

"It was good seeing you again, Carson," I whisper, giving both of us a way out of this emotional quicksand.

"You too, Laura."

We both turn away at the same moment. It really hurts that we've lost that warm, comfortable closeness between us. I walk then run through the ship, hoping I can get to my quarters before the tears start flowing.

XxX

I don't have as much to pack as I thought. Two small boxes, two duffel bags and one shoulder tote are the sum total of my fourteen months in the Pegasus Galaxy. I made sure there are no maudlin keepsakes hidden away that will haunt my future. Trouble is, I can't houseclean the memories.

It's taken me longer to pack only because I'm dwelling on those memories. I really don't want to leave. I could have accepted the relationship ending and still be in the same city. It wouldn't have been easy, but I could have tried. I've taken the coward's way out by using my folks as the excuse. This once in my life it hurts too much to be the tough Marine.

Watching Carson supervise the unloading of his patients from the Daedalus was just more of me not wanting to let go. This time McKay was awake and whining, as only he can. I felt bad for Colonel Sheppard. He was so concerned for Teyla, carrying her gently from the ship to the waiting wheelchair, all the while having to endure McKay's snarking from the gurney. Ronon walked off the ship on his own, right to a smiling Dr. Weir. Seeing Carson with Lt. Kagan again, I understand how guilty he feels. The story of their disastrous mission quickly made its way through the Daedalus crew grapevine.

That's the trait I'll remember most about Dr. Carson Beckett, how he's always taking care of everyone. It had been a rough year for him what with the colonel almost turning into a bug, the Michael incident, three of the city's key people going missing for weeks and finally, the Wraith/human fiasco, all because of his retrovirus.

The throbbing ache inside me gets bigger as I recall how special the trust we created in the short time we were together made me feel. He sought me out whenever he needed to talk. I never minded the intensity of his emotions because I always knew, from the time he took care of me after the 'me in McKay's body' nightmare, that I could always depend on him to listen to me when _I _needed a compassionate ear. That's what hurts the most about losing him. I know I'll never find that again.

Pent up emotions from all this remembering are about ready to explode. Luckily I'm only holding a pillow so it doesn't do any damage as I fling it at the night-dark window. "Don't do this, Cadman! You've moved on and so has he." Damn! I feel the waterworks start.

The door chimes sound and without thinking I yell, "Come in!"

A haggard-faced Carson Beckett is on the other side of the now open doors. He sees the condition of my face and blanches. "I'm sorry if I've disturbed you. I'll leave."

Wiping away the runoff of tears, I go to him. Sniffling from my side of the doorjamb, I manage to say, "No, I'm fine."

I can see he's torn, wanting to stay but afraid he's gone too far, considering how long it's been and how we parted. He's so sensitive to everything and everyone. Tears really do a number on this deeply empathetic man.

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I can't resist the need in his eyes. I put my arms around his neck, pull him inside the room and press the control light to close the doors.

Safe and secure behind closed doors, I ask, "Do you want to talk, Carson?"

This time I see a bright, quick Carson Beckett smile, like the ones my sleep-self has conjured every night in my dreams since I left Atlantis. His arms go around my body, strong, sure and oh so loving. As he presses me close, I hear a sudden sob catch in his throat, his emotions switching gears so suddenly that his body starts to shake. The familiar post-mission-gone-wrong tears begin.


End file.
